For over nine years, Stephan Labossiere has had one mission. To create simple, yet direct paths for singles to get the love and relationship they desire. Featured on Tom Joyner Morning Show, The Examiner, ABC, and Huffington Post Live, the highly sought after author of God, Where’s My Boaz, and award winning book How to Get a Woman to Have Sex With You… If You’re Her Husband sat down with me to talk about Stephan Speaks, his thoughts on dating in today’s society, and how men and women can both find happy relationships through self-discovery, clarity, and emotional health.
JW: How did you come to start Stephan speaks?
SL: Well I guess it started from, 1) just getting closer to God. God was leading me down a path that showed me this was my purpose. On that path, I wrote my book, which was How to Get a Woman to Have Sex You..If You’re Her Husband and from there, even though I already had an advising company, I was doing so many things and wasn’t really pushing it hard. But once I got closer to God, he kind of forced me to drop everything and focus on this one thing. In trying to research how to promote the book, it pushed me into all these different avenues; embracing social media and creating the blog, which is where Stephan Speaks comes from.
JW: Who are you targeting when you write your books, your blog, and when you have your speaking engagements? What is your main message?
SL: Well when I started off, I was trying to appeal to everybody, which I learned you really can’t do that. I was trying to write for men and write for women. Believe it or not, people know me as speaking to women more, but two of my books were speaking to men only one and one is for women. But now, I’m shifting my focus towards women. And not just because they’re the bigger audience, but I’ve come to realize that healing women is a higher priority. If I can help heal women, I can help heal men through those women. However, if I flip it and I heal men, I won’t heal any women. A healed man can’t heal a woman. Period. It just doesn’t happen that way.
JW: That’s interesting, because I almost expected you to say the total opposite. You know, women tend to want the information. We more readily go to counseling, we’ll go get coaching. Women are okay with saying I need help. Whereas men, in their head they can say, yeah, I could use some help, but not always willing to put their hand up. So, I’m actually surprised that you say that but we’ll get back to Stephan Speaks. What would you say was the biggest challenge that you’re seeing in your business right now?
SL: I guess the biggest challenge is feeling like, will I ever be able to do enough? Am I doing enough to make a difference? Granted, I get a lot of people contacting me saying that I’ve impacted their lives, but you don’t get to see it every day. So you need those messages. Everywhere you look, things seem so dysfunctional. People are still embracing so much ignorance and bad information, I’ve had moments where I’m thinking, “Is this pointless?” I mean, I’m not doing this just as a job, I really want to see a difference being made. But then, I remind myself of those who are being helped and know that not everyone is not going to take it. But there are people who use it and embrace it and I use that to help keep me going. You can’t get distracted with everything around you. That’s why, to me, it’s very important to have a relationship with God because I need that guidance. That relationship helps me stay focused. We can’t always see what’s going on. We can speak at an event and we think no one has been impacted; that it was a horrible event. For all we know, there was that one person whose life was completely changed because of what they heard us say, so to me. it’s okay. I may not always understand why I have to go here, why I have to do that, but as long as I know that’s what God wants me to do, I trust there is a reason and a purpose for it and I just roll with it.
JW: What do you think the biggest challenge is that your clients or audience face?
SL: The biggest issue is they don’t know how to heal and they are not understanding the importance of emotional health. So because of that disconnect, it is creating a lot of issues and dysfunction. People would rather look for ways to validate their issues than work on them. Until they actually do something about it, they’re not going to see progress. They’re not going to get the results they want and they’re going to dwell in these negative perceptions. All this stems from them not wanting to do the necessary work to heal.People would rather look for ways to validate their issues than work on them. - Stephan… Click To Tweet
JW: Wow, I really appreciate you for saying that because it’s true. I mean, how many times do we talk about the same issues over and over? Year after year goes by, and you still haven’t healed, nor have you taken the time to go get it resolved. We’d rather be victims and enjoy being victimized because it means that it’s always going to be someone else’s fault. And as long as it’s someone else’s fault, we can continue to justify where we’re at instead of saying, “Oh wait, it may be me. Let me go fix this.”
JW: Touching on what you said earlier, do you feel that more women or men are receptive to your message?
SL: Definitely, women. But I will say that when I’m with a group of guys and we start to get deep into a conversation, they become very captivated. They’re very drawn to it. Women are more receptive in the sense that if I have an event, they’re going to come to it. If I put information out there, they’re going to flock to it and they’ll definite go grab it. Men, not so much. But once in the presence of those men and we get into a conversation? Now, they’re listening. So you have to find a way to infiltrate them. Once you get in, they’ll be receptive to a lot more than people think. But you have to be able to make it make sense. That is one of the biggest problems. People don’t break down the logic to why a man shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t do that, or whatever. For him to really understand it and for it to make sense. You can’t just throw out beliefs and what you think it should be. You can’t just expect them to understand it because that’s what’s important to you. You’ve got to help them understand why. Men are logical creatures and when we can connect with it logically, it makes it ten times easier for us to embrace it.
JW: Hmm…OK. So how do you infiltrate? Where do you need to go because it’s not going to be an event you put on. I completely understand meeting people where they’re at, so where are the men?
SL: Well the way that I plan to eventually infiltrate is ask myself, okay, what do the men want to hear about? What would men come out to? Men would come out to an event that tells them how to make money. Financial success. That is something they have no problem saying, okay, I want to learn something here. Especially when you can show them that you are financially successful. So, once I get them to that, in the context of that conversation, I can say, well listen, part of the reason why some you guys are struggling financially is because you’re dating wrong or you’re dealing with the wrong women. You don’t understand how to establish a good relationship. You don’t realize that 80-something percent of millionaire men are married. There’s a reason for that, you know. So once I get them in the room for something they want to hear about, now I can consult them about what they need to also hear about.
JW: Good points! OK, so switching gears just a little bit. Over the past couple weeks, there have been discussions surrounding Godly men dating women who are not necessarily perceived as Godly women. Do you think that this is a case? That Christian men are flocking to women who don’t necessarily present themselves as such?
SL: So, I’m going to be completely honest.
JW: Yes. Please do!!
SL: I understand exactly what’s going on. We have to understand, some of these men that we’re talking about would be considered very desirable men. Due to that, they are going to seek out what they perceive is a very desirable woman. Now, unfortunately, a lot of women in the church assume this personality that doesn’t always appeal to men. So yes, you have the spiritual foundation there, but you’re lacking in other areas that would make men desire you. On the flip side, the woman who may be on the outside who does not appear or does not resemble that spiritual, Godly woman or whatever you want to call it, in a stereotypical kind of way…. she’s possessing all the traits that that man desires, but yet she’s still embracing God in her life. And that is enough. So, for him, he would rather take THAT woman than the woman who is not exuding the other traits that he desires. Those other traits have got to be there. Because just having God in you is not enough. Not enough for someone to have a relationship with you. To be in a committed long term relationship with you. To show you how it happens on both ends, a lot of women of God flock to men who others don’t perceive as Godly. Because again, those men are exuding certain traits that women desire. A lot of men in Church don’t embrace exuding those same traits. So that woman, in her mind, would rather go for the guy outside the church who can embrace God or, unfortunately, she thinks she can GET him to embrace God. That’s what’s happening.Just having God in you is not enough. Not enough for someone to have a relationship with you. -… Click To Tweet
JW: I have come across several women who are devout Christians and want to be a matched or coached to attract men who they feel is on the same level when it comes to their walk with God. I feel like, at the end of the day, he’s still a man and you’re still a woman. So there are things to consider like personality, how attracted you are to each other, what type of life that you guys want to have together? The block that I see is that the default is to keep God first with not much guidance after that. So how do you reconcile the messages that they are hearing in Church with what relationships professionals like us are saying?
SL: Well, I say the “seek God first” is correct. I think the more damaging message that gets pushed in a lot of churches is the whole “take me as I am” mentality. This idea that I am good enough as I am and you should love me for me and blah blah blah. No, that’s not good enough. That’s not gonna work, okay? What we have to understand is, we are not entitled to a romantic relationship. We are not entitled to a marriage. We have to earn that as well. There is work we have to put in to make ourselves marriage material. You can be dating material, you can even be sex material, but that doesn’t mean you are marriage material. And that goes for both men and women. So now, once we understand that and we stop this is damaging mentality of “take me as I am”, we should be striving for greatness. Here’s the reality: in the church, we accept too much mediocrity. In so many different ways, mediocrity is okay. Oh, It’s good enough, God still loves you. Yeah, he still loves you, but that’s not your problem right now. Your problem right now is you’re trying to get a man to love you and want to be with you. And not just a man who wants to be with you, but a man who wants to commit his life to you. We have to understand, people have this huge disconnect between love and relationship. Love is unconditional, relationships are not. There are conditions to relationships and if you can’t embrace that, guess what, you’re not going to be in one or you’re going to experience failed, damaged, miserable ones. Period.You can be dating material, you can even be sex material, but that doesn’t mean you are… Click To Tweet
JW: Excellent. Excellent. So what is your advice for men who are seeking their Ruth?
SL: They’ve got to work on themselves. So many men in today’s… I don’t want to say generation, society whatever, this mentality that the woman needs to basically meet the man where he’s at and help uplift him. And essentially, making them into a man and that’s pure nonsense. As a man, you need to find yourself first. Figure yourself out. You need to build a certain foundation. Figure out your life on your own. Now, a woman can be encouraging and inspiring as your friend, but she doesn’t have to give you the romantic benefits of a relationship. Again, there are conditions to relationships, not conditions to love. I love everybody. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care how you look, I don’t care what you do, I love everybody. However, I’m not going to be in a relationship with everybody. And so, as a man, I have to understand a woman is going to want these things and if I’m not ready to provide it, then guess what? Don’t get in a relationship. Work on you and lo and behold, if you do that and you make yourself a desirable man, you’re going to have plenty of options. You don’t have to be in a rush. I think if we train more men to do that when they’re younger, we wouldn’t see men waiting so long. Because once you’ve gotten yourself together and you are working in your purpose, dealing with all these women becomes a lot less attractive.
JW: So true. And your desire for a partnership is right there. The very next thing. You’re right about that; I do see a lot of men who are waiting. I mean men who are in their 40s and 50s who are still single and I’m like why why why are you waiting this long? But you have a point. They’re still not together. If we had more men who were in a position earlier in life to have all the tools needed to be on track, we wouldn’t be having a whole lot of issues. You know, with men who just don’t want to commit. OK, one last question and I’ll let you go. What would you like to see happen in the next few years with Stephan Speaks?Love is unconditional, relationships are not. - Stephan Labossiere Click To Tweet
SL: Definitely a lot more books. One part of my dream is to have a whole roster full of relationship books. I’ve examined some of the people [in the industry] and what I realize is, most don’t have a whole bunch of different relationship books. They may drop one here, maybe two, and then they’ll go on to other genres. They don’t really have an endless the supply of resources on relationships, so to me I want to be that guy that has 10, 20 books on different topics dealing with relationships and love. So that’s definitely one of my goals. And just speaking everywhere. Internationally. I’ve gone some places, but I want to expand that. Just continue to grow and continue to make a greater impact. Just get better and better. Better at what I do, how I present myself, how I market myself. I’m really hard on myself, even though I look at some of the things I do. Other people will be amazed at what I’ve done, but to me, it’s not good enough. It’s not even close to good enough. Sometimes I get discouraged, but I have to remind myself that progress is being made and I’m moving in the right direction.
For more information on Stephan Speaks, his books, his speaking tour, and blog, go to www.stephanspeaks.com.